Dian – Blackstaff interview the Irish God of Violence
In the run up to the launch of Completely Folk’d, the final book in the darkly humorous urban fantasy trilogy by Laurence Donaghy, Blackstaff Press have sent out our fearless intern Seth to interview some of the main characters from the series.
The gym smells of three-day-old sweat and three-week-old boxer shorts. Every surface looks slightly damp and faintly spongy. To my left in a ring somewhere two young fellas are taking it upon themselves to beat the hell out of one another. As they jog and land blows, the irregular doosh doosh of their quick-stepping one-twoing reverberates throughout the place.
I don’t notice too much of this, because I’m busy trying to forget about Dother. My interview with him went out a week ago, truncated massively because the sub-editor thought it was fairly mundane stuff. Much more space was dedicated a few days later to the discovery of Mr Leeson’s body, a crime of which the investigation was still proceeding. Yesterday, unobtrusively, there had been a small piece in the Business section about the rapid improvement of Phones Phones Phones and their CEO had been pictured, smiling, with a recent elevation to the ranks of senior management.
My wife still won’t return my calls.
I won’t return the Morrigan’s.
Trying not to tempt fate – again – I reflect that this one, at least, should be the easiest. Few mythological beings had managed to integrate themselves into human society these last few months as successfully as the one I’m here to talk to.
Thank you for taking the time to talk to me, Dian.
No problem. I won’t even take offence you went to Dother first. I hear you had quite the effect on him.
I wouldn’t say that. You’ve built quite a reputation for yourself as a boxing coach since joining human society.
It’s a much less violent world now – this part of it, anyway. So it was either head off to one of those hot countries where they’re still stabbing each other for fun or stay here and make my living out of sport. What can I say? I’m a homebird.
But technically you’re Greek, not Irish…
I think even Nigel Farage would have to admit that after a few millennia here, I deserve to be called a naturalised citizen. I drink Guinness, eat Tayto, and shout at the radio when Stephen Nolan talks balls, same as the rest of the country. Seriously though, what did you say to Dother? I thought I was a motivational speaker but you must have really gotten to him-
I asked him what he thought of his role in the ‘Folk’d’ series of books, by Laurence Donaghy.
Oh those things. A few of the wee fellas in the club brought those in to show me. Yes (he laughs) I can see how he’d get a kick out of that.
What did you think of your own fictionalised depiction?
Terrible. I’m going to sue.
You heard me. I’m suing him for defamation of character. He made me out to be Casper the Friendly Stalker. I’m not letting him get away with that.
But at the time, he wasn’t aware you existed…
Not my problem. I do exist, and I’m really pissed off. I’ve been talking to Thor and Hecate – God, don’t get Hecate started on it, seriously – and we’re putting together a test case to sue authors, TV studios, producers, you name it, on behalf of all beings previously classed as fantastical. Those two want a slice of earnings, of course, the money-grubbing bastards, but I just want an apology (long pause) and a slice of earnings. Which considering the book sales, will be about seventeen shillings and sixpence, but there you go.
So you won’t be attending the Completely Folk’d launch at the Ann Street branch of Forbidden Planet, Belfast, on Thursday 26th March at around 7pm?
Oh I’ll be there. How else am I going to serve him his court summons, the fat prick? Dother’s coming too, God only knows what he’s got planned. You just opened a can of worms there my friend – trouble is, the worms in question are the size of those fucking sandworms out of Dune. Why do you think we kept him nice and dopey back home? He was on more drugs than an airport sniffer dog’s nose, and you have to go and show him those books.
Uh. Moving on-
Wait, wait, wait. You’re having domestic troubles, aren’t you? I can always tell. Listen mate – give me a shout on this number, and I’ll set you up.
An appointment. This boxing thing isn’t my only gig, you know.
(I look at the card. On it is written DIAN CALMA – MARRIAGE COUNSELLOR. Underneath in flowery writing: BECAUSE THE WAR AT HOME…HAS NO WINNER)
No problem. Now I’ve got to talk to that wee fella from Tigers Bay before his next fight, so are there any further questions?
What’s your reaction to hearing that your role in the movie adaptation will be played by Denzel Washington? Do you agree that it sets a positive precedent for colour-blind casting?
I’ll tell you a secret. Up until very recently, it was set to be James Corden.
What changed the studio’s mind?
[REDACTED FOR LEGAL REASONS]
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